One year and eleven months ago I followed my heart to Asia. It was the shift of 2012, the Piscean to Aquarian age. Deep within I knew that it was time to stop creating vision boards and start physically move towards my dreams.
Earlier that year at a shrine in Hawaii I was faced with the demise of a very powerful partnership with someone I thought I would marry. I “randomly” was brought back to the exact place where I swam in the ocean with my parents, as a two year-old beach blond toddler. It was at this place that I created a story about being unworthy of love. Now as a 31 year old woman I was faced with the reality that these mental tapes were blocking me from receiving love in all forms. Watching the sun set behind the surfer’s shrine I prayed, “I don’t want this man to be the ‘one’. I just want to wake up.” My heart told me that in order to heal my issues around self-worth and my patterns with men I had to face my first male relationship.
I sold my car, packed up my life and moved to Indonesia to heal with my father and my inner masculine. For three months we lived, worked, ate, and slept in close proximity. Each day together we re-set the stages of childhood and parenthood that we both had missed out on. This was one of those- once in a life-time gifts. As my inner development reached adulthood I knew it was time to leave the nest. My heart was pulled to a sacred and healing community on the island of Palawan.
By the grace of God I spent a year and a half if the mystical space of Bahay Kalipay Retreat House and Maia- Eco Village. With nowhere to hide I finally faced my stories of not being good enough and their repercussions. I slowly shed the layers of my protection and fear of receiving through physical and emotional detox. As I was healing, learning and growing I was sharing my process with thousands of guests from around the world. By the end of May this year I felt my cocoon was full. It was ready and I was ready to fly from my healing home into the unknown.
I parachuted into Manila with a drive to “make it”. My purpose was to face my final fear of not being good enough to take care of my needs, on my own, while simultaneously staying aligned in my purpose to share the tools of raising conscious. Over the past four months I have given Manila my blood, sweat and tears while accessing a new awareness of my inner resources. The ride has peaked and descended from the high rises of Rockwell to the slammed sardine packed public trains. There have been days without money or food and a lingering question of why on Earth am I choosing this?
Being a yogi, and knowing that Kundalini Yoga technology works, I rooted myself inward. On Sept. 15th I committed to practicing 90 days of “good fortune” through a specific meditation. Over the last 22 days a pivotal piece of my life has opened up like flower to the sun.
Flash back to eight years ago. I met a man… (I use this word lightly) at a wedding on an island in British Columbia, Canada. It seems like a thousand years ago. I was 25 and had just finished my Kundalini Yoga Teacher training. This man was a fierce tornado. He was full of power and intuition but lacked awareness and a container for his gifts. He took one look at me and said “What is going on with your Gram?” He knew nothing about my life story or current situation but said, he “heard” these words from GOD. I was surprised and slightly un-comfortable with his accuracy and conviction. For months I had been struggling with my Gram’s quickly deteriorating independence. I sensed she needed help with her transition into more care. He told me that it was crucial that I follow these feelings NOW and that I would have deep family healing with my feminine and deceased mother. I knew he was right but felt overpowered by his “downloads”. Our relationship was filled with this type of exchange. I was lacking in confidence and would quickly hand over my power to him. Raised as a passionate Christian and religious person we joined in a mutual love for God but had very different words and ways of connecting. He was slightly skeptical of “Yoga” and resisted participating in any of the activities that I invited him to. I continued to gently share my excitement of the Kundalini path.
Needless to say it was a whirl wind that changed our lives forever. It lasted less than six months but created the fire under my ass to leave Vancouver. Just as it came time to travel south to be with my Grandmother, as he had suggested, his fierce love and attention switched to a friend of mine. It was shocking and abrupt but a part of me was glad. I couldn’t contain the energy between us and was exhausted. Although my story of being not enough was triggered, I slowly let go of any hopes or dreams of a future with him.
Over the past 8 years we both have been on our own healing journeys. I had decided a long time ago that he was too crazy for me. I turned away from him and any chance of us being together. I was surprised to hear from him several times over the years. Even though I had given up, I remembered each of these conversations vividly. Little did I know that this man was actually preparing piece by piece, slowly and surely to become the man that I had been asking for.
As we grow together now I am amazed at our connection. His determination to be the man of GOD that he use to preach about is astounding. He is like wine. He had grown sweeter, softer and more delicious with time. The Kundalini Path has guided him since our separation. He followed the path of teacher training and has attended 8 of their Men’s camps. Learning and gaining the wisdom of a sage his container is solid. I am basking in the long time sun that is shining upon us and bow to this humbling experience called life.
I cannot finish this tale with finality. All I can say is that my heart tells a clear and concise story. It says confidently, “Go there now.” This is the same voice or knowing that has guided me through some of my hardest challenges. This voice is my heart brain. For the first time in my life I am practicing the re-set of my past stories, LIVE and in the moment. When I feel the hamster wheel mind beginning to spin I have an opportunity to breathe, stop, and re-frame, all witnessed by another. It is like someone has opened the window to my mind and the light is blaringly bright. Could it really be this easy? The realization that this love has been waiting for me all along is like the best cosmic joke I could ever hear.
Thank you all for being on this journey with me. I love you. You are always with me. Let’s dance and sing and do the work because we are all WORTH it. Here is to love from the inside out.