The Pain of Loving So Much

Good morning life. What a beautiful life this is. I am blessed beyond belief. I am so grateful to live here in Boulder Colorado. I’m so grateful to be in this moment in my body feeling myself. Thank you God for all the gifts, thank you for O. What a passage we have come through recently. It seems that I am just beginning to understand love. He is a great teacher.

Thank you ∞ for all that you are. What a beautiful being. Your essence is gold. I love you, I love you, I love you.

The last couple of years I have felt loneliness and sadness deeper than I probably ever have. Becoming a mother was not an easy passage for me. Despite all my efforts for all of my life preparing to do so. There were lessons in letting go and holding on. It pushed me beyond my limits to places I had never been. My heart loved more and deeper to the point of pain. How could this be? How could this gift of love hurt so much? All I can say is that life is this way, with great love we feel great pain, the dichotomy of life is in everything. It seems now I have a new perspective that will never leave. Watching a part of yourself that you have no control over walk around talk and converse with the world is fascinating and with that great gift is a great responsibility. Our greatest fears become present with so much at stake.

∞ is almost two. I’m sure when he’s older we will say he came out of the womb shooting a basketball. This isn’t necessarily true but by one and a half he most definitely was shooting a basketball. He plays twice sometimes three or four times a day. Balls in general seem to be his favorite but basketball has a special place for him.

His physicality is remarkable. He’s extremely strong. Some days he feels a little too brave. I’ve done my best to keep him close but also keep him free. It is a hard job when the tumbling, the bleeding and the falling down happens. 

That dichotomy lives within him. Even with that great strength and independence some days he’s extremely vulnerable and attached to the boob wanting comfort and to be close. 

One of my favorite things about ∞ is his ability to express himself. I love watching his language develop. And being able to connect to him and know exactly what is going on in that beautiful mind of his. 

My life revolves around him. He is my full-time job. I put in overtime and even though it’s been challenging it is the greatest gift, the greatest gift. 

O and I are finding more balance in taking care of him now. Which feels so lovely to share this great work together. At night we reminisce about the days events. We giggle and laugh as he sleeps next to us. We talk about all the moments that gave us great joy and pain.

As I have this early hour to myself I say thank you. I say thank you again and again. I feel this love and this pain simultaneously and I know that this is being human. This is truly living. I wouldn’t take any of it back, this experience is mine and for that I am blessed.

Following the Heart Brain: A true love story

One year and eleven months ago I followed my heart to Asia. It was the shift of 2012, the Piscean to Aquarian age. Deep within I knew that it was time to stop creating vision boards and start physically move towards my dreams.

Earlier that year at a shrine in Hawaii I was faced with the demise of a very powerful partnership with someone I thought I would marry. I “randomly” was brought back to the exact place where I swam in the ocean with my parents, as a two year-old beach blond toddler. It was at this place that I created a story about being unworthy of love. Now as a 31 year old woman I was faced with the reality that these mental tapes were blocking me from receiving love in all forms. Watching the sun set behind the surfer’s shrine I prayed, “I don’t want this man to be the ‘one’. I just want to wake up.” My heart told me that in order to heal my issues around self-worth and my patterns with men I had to face my first male relationship.

I sold my car, packed up my life and moved to Indonesia to heal with my father and my inner masculine. For three months we lived, worked, ate, and slept in close proximity. Each day together we re-set the stages of childhood and parenthood that we both had missed out on. This was one of those- once in a life-time gifts. As my inner development reached adulthood I knew it was time to leave the nest.   My heart was pulled to a sacred and healing community on the island of Palawan.

By the grace of God I spent a year and a half if the mystical space of Bahay Kalipay Retreat House and Maia- Eco Village. With nowhere to hide I finally faced my stories of not being good enough and their repercussions. I slowly shed the layers of my protection and fear of receiving through physical and emotional detox. As I was healing, learning and growing I was sharing my process with thousands of guests from around the world. By the end of May this year I felt my cocoon was full. It was ready and I was ready to fly from my healing home into the unknown.

I parachuted into Manila with a drive to “make it”. My purpose was to face my final fear of not being good enough to take care of my needs, on my own, while simultaneously staying aligned in my purpose to share the tools of raising conscious. Over the past four months I have given Manila my blood, sweat and tears while accessing a new awareness of my inner resources. The ride has peaked and descended from the high rises of Rockwell to the slammed sardine packed public trains. There have been days without money or food and a lingering question of why on Earth am I choosing this?

Being a yogi, and knowing that Kundalini Yoga technology works, I rooted myself inward. On Sept. 15^th I committed to practicing 90 days of “good fortune” through a specific meditation. Over the last 22 days a pivotal piece of my life has opened up like flower to the sun.

Flash back to eight years ago. I met a man… (I use this word lightly) at a wedding on an island in British Columbia, Canada. It seems like a thousand years ago. I was 25 and had just finished my Kundalini Yoga Teacher training. This man was a fierce tornado. He was full of power and intuition but lacked awareness and a container for his gifts. He took one look at me and said “What is going on with your Gram?” He knew nothing about my life story or current situation but said, he “heard” these words from GOD. I was surprised and slightly un-comfortable with his accuracy and conviction. For months I had been struggling with my Gram’s quickly deteriorating independence. I sensed she needed help with her transition into more care. He told me that it was crucial that I follow these feelings NOW and that I would have deep family healing with my feminine and deceased mother. I knew he was right but felt overpowered by his “downloads”. Our relationship was filled with this type of exchange. I was lacking in confidence and would quickly hand over my power to him. Raised as a passionate Christian and religious person we joined in a mutual love for God but had very different words and ways of connecting. He was slightly skeptical of “Yoga” and resisted participating in any of the activities that I invited him to. I continued to gently share my excitement of the Kundalini path.

Needless to say it was a whirl wind that changed our lives forever. It lasted less than six months but created the fire under my ass to leave Vancouver. Just as it came time to travel south to be with my Grandmother, as he had suggested, his fierce love and attention switched to a friend of mine. It was shocking and abrupt but a part of me was glad. I couldn’t contain the energy between us and was exhausted. Although my story of being not enough was triggered, I slowly let go of any hopes or dreams of a future with him.

Over the past 8 years we both have been on our own healing journeys. I had decided a long time ago that he was too crazy for me. I turned away from him and any chance of us being together. I was surprised to hear from him several times over the years. Even though I had given up, I remembered each of these conversations vividly. Little did I know that this man was actually preparing piece by piece, slowly and surely to become the man that I had been asking for.

As we grow together now I am amazed at our connection. His determination to be the man of GOD that he use to preach about is astounding. He is like wine. He had grown sweeter, softer and more delicious with time. The Kundalini Path has guided him since our separation. He followed the path of teacher training and has attended 8 of their Men’s camps. Learning and gaining the wisdom of a sage his container is solid. I am basking in the long time sun that is shining upon us and bow to this humbling experience called life.

I cannot finish this tale with finality. All I can say is that my heart tells a clear and concise story. It says confidently, “Go there now.” This is the same voice or knowing that has guided me through some of my hardest challenges. This voice is my heart brain. For the first time in my life I am practicing the re-set of my past stories, LIVE and in the moment. When I feel the hamster wheel mind beginning to spin I have an opportunity to breathe, stop, and re-frame, all witnessed by another. It is like someone has opened the window to my mind and the light is blaringly bright. Could it really be this easy? The realization that this love has been waiting for me all along is like the best cosmic joke I could ever hear.

Thank you all for being on this journey with me. I love you. You are always with me. Let’s dance and sing and do the work because we are all WORTH it. Here is to love from the inside out.

“I am Comming Out… Again”

Today I “came out” to my Soul Mate.  He is a Soul Mate that I will never kiss.  He is a brother from another mother.  He is only one of the reasons that I am in this hell on earth called Manila.  There are angels in heaven and heaven is truly only a state of mind.  I have been laying my hell over my moments a lot lately.  I have been living from fear.  A LOT.  This fear has been bringing more fear which makes more fear which brings more fear… and you get the point.

BUT God is good, the Universe is Love and there is no way to stay in fear forever because the whole practice of being human is to remember love.  I am here to remember love.  Love for myself and this shitty messed up planet because it is actually heaven.

Okay so back to coming out.  I did not tell him I am gay or that I am in love with him.  Instead I told him “I am addicted to food and it is ruining my life.”  Because I have done my work I also told him “This is the story I am telling myself and I feel like I need to explain it to you.”  I knew as I was explaining, “It is like being an alcoholic, I can’t control it and blah blah blah…”  Even I was not going for it.  I quit Overeater’s Anonymous because I don’t believe that I am powerless.  Yes I don’t have control of this life but I do have a say in how I dance with what I have been given.  I know there are so many gems in the Anonymous programs and am very grateful for everything they gave me.  In the end I left because it felt off saying “Hi, my name is Tara and I am a food addict.”   I felt like every time I said it I was re-creating more of it…. I know some people will read this and say you totally missed the point…Which is okay… I know that program held a very important part of my life and now something else is holding me…

So as my friend looked at me I knew that this was the last time I wanted to tell this story as the active truth.  I am ready again to face the addiction, face my fears, face life, and feel the love that is always available.

So here is my inspiration for the day.  First to write this and to actually post it.  I am a writer.  I know that  I am good and it gives me joy.  I know that I can perfect this craft and even publish my work.  But as this day is teaching me it ain’t ever gonna happen if it just sits in my computer.  I have over 20 started blog posts that sit here lying dormant in variously named files…. Nicely organized.

F* that.  I am sick of my ideas that are so nicely planned, organized and sitting pretty waiting for me to find the time to do them.  I will blame it on the addiction to food, or whatever else but the truth is THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR OUR GREATNESS

Sticky notes from my insights of my coaching course.

 

Okay enough of my ranting if you are still reading I am impressed… It will be worth it.  My follow through of this point, of this inspiration I had today after I came out to my best friend about being a food addict and then realized for the 100^th time that this is just a story and I am the author of how it goes… that… drum roll please… I would do something about it.  That is it.  Today I am going to do something about all of my woes.

I will transform my pain into passion, my breakdown into breakthrough, and hardship into harvest.  (I love those by the way.)  This is life.  This is why we have this sh*t.  We have it because it is what helps us grow.  I am a becoming a coach because I have had to pick my sorry ass up 1 million times and say, “it is okay that you just ate for 4 hours straight, it is time to dust yourself off and love yourself now.”  It is time to cry.  It is time to move on.  It is time to detox.  It is time to go the extra mile and face all the fears that turned you to the food in the first place.  It is okay that you took that detour now get on track because the world wants the most amazing part of you, now.

One of the questions I ask myself daily now.

Okay quick side tangent… quick I swear… So I teach Kundalini Yoga.  Again another tool that supports me letting go of addiction and remembering my light.  So in KY you can apply for a spiritual name.  So because I have hippy parents I actually have a spiritual name.  Tara is the Goddess of Compassion in the Buddhist Path.  It took me getting another spiritual name to realize how perfect my original name is but that is another blog on another day… my point here is that the name I got is: Jasleen, which basically means ABSORBED IN THE GLORY OF GOD.  That is my job on this planet…. To be happy.  To be GODLY.  To embody the Goddess.  To rejoice in the amazingness of life.  That is it.  That is all I am here to do.  I am here to find happiness.  So simple right?

So after I came out to my friend this morning we agreed that the next time I feel afraid and want to eat ice-cream instead of dealing with the fear I would call him (this is a trick I learned from Overeaters Anonymous).  I left him to run off my food hangover.

Right before I got into my run I texted him,  “I am letting go of this story, as me.  NOW.”

He said: “Because that’s all it is.  Just a story… Now time to return to the real world, pull up our big girl panties and kick ass.”

I love this for three major reasons:

1. No one has ever extended this offer in this way… to kick my ass in real time when I am telling a story and about to use my drug of choice. If this is the only reason I came to Manila it will be worth it.  I am ready to have friends who call me on my shit and say YOU ARE BIGGER THEN THIS.  We know it.  We see it.  Now WOMAN UP and SEE IT FOR YOURSELF, FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU WANT.  OR EVEN BETTER ALLOW THE AMAZING LIFE IN FRONT OF YOU TO A*M*A*Z*E YOU.  BE PRESENT BECAUE THERE IS ACTUALLY LIMIMITLESS LOVE HERE FOR YOU AND EVERYONE RIGHT NOW.

    

2. His loyalty and support is amazing. I realized today… I have amazing people in my life.  I am surrounded by “Sages”.  I know these people are here because I have “attracted” them by being amazing also… they are all reflections of my-self and for that I am grateful because it means we are evolving.  We are getting better.  He is here saying I will be here for you because I “created” him to say what I am really saying to myself… I am ready to be here for you Tara.  I am ready to face those fears and find new ways to BREAK them to silly little small pieces!!  Or to watch them float away like leaves in the cool Autumn.  It is time B*TCHES.  Hehehe.

3. He said “pull up OUR big girl panties.” First this is just funny because he is gay and very often a girl… but I love that he said OUR because it means we are in this together.

I texted back: “You are my friend soul mate.  Thank you.”

We have so many Soul Mates.  We are surrounded by people who happen to fall into our laps or answer a question in the market or whatever small encounter that starts a partnership.  It doesn’t have to big at first… when I met this particular friend… I thought he was quiet, kinda OCD the way he ate his lunch and seemed too private for my liking but man oh man we shared one passion… DANCE… I knew that we had that going for us.  He offered to take me around Manila and look for places.  Even then he was looking out for me. So the long story short about him is that he is my friend SOUL MATE who is changing my life.  He is saying I will stick up for you when you have forgotten.  I love him deeply.

So that last thing I will share is where I started… follow through.  After my run I was walking through the busy streets of Makati feeling grateful for all the people who clean this polluted city.  I was side stepping the lady who was mopping the floor and sending a big smile to the woman who was wipping the handrail of the escalator… see that is who I am when I am opened up… I am grateful for the smallest things.

So right before that moment I had a flash of inspiration.  As I mentioned I am a Kundalini Yoga teacher who is in the process of becoming a certified coach.  I arrived in Manila three months ago.  I have had spurts of amazing success here but lately I have struggled to find a home and with the added stress of not having my safe space I have been “loosing” my students.  I don’t blame them because I haven’t really wanted to be around myself either.  That is the magic of this type of work.  You cannot hide.  You have to walk your walk or else mama can’t put a roof over her head LITTERALLY.

So as I was walking I had this amazing idea…. I think it is really cool and I am going to do it today.  Because the only time is NOW!  I am sharing it with you now because I don’t just want to have it and then not do it… I am practicing FOLLOW THROUGH…

I am going to take the receipts of my emotional eating… which I have saved because I am working on becoming accountable with my money.  I am going to take these receipts and implement them in my accounting spread sheet.  Then instead of feeling crappy for the astronomical amount that I spent on my addiction I am going to transform each piece of paper into a business card.  I am going to figure out a way to make it look professional enough and include a very short version of my personal story.  I believe that all of us have our STUFF.  By sharing my stuff I am being brave and vulnerable enough to tell you that is it okay for you to share your stuff.  You know what I mean?  So after I give away all these receipts I will have enough clients and money to move onto a normal business card.  This is the best way I can start now addressing all my woes…. It is all connect you know.  We heal one thing we heal the world.  I love you for sharing this experience with me.  Contact me if you were touched by this story.  There is a reason. 🙂

Who would you be without your story? This is the SUPER ME!!

Tara Joy MacKeigan

 A bright leader and change agent uplifting humankind one heart at a time.  For 10 years she has led thousands of clients through transformational processes, and workshops. Certified as an Educator and Yoga Teacher since 2005 her international career spans from the United States, Canada, Singapore, Thailand, India, Bali, and the Philippines.  Recently she served Bahay Kalipay as Program Director for two years.   Now her focus of sharing Joy with the world comes in the forms of coaching, team-building, yoga classes, talks and workshops in Metro Manila and beyond.  Her strengths include climbing coconut trees, intricate doodle drawing, reminding everyone to breathe and a spooky accurate intuition.  Her teachings are designed to enhance the awareness of our innate highest potential.  She reminds us that our biggest challenges are the openings to our most profound breakthroughs.  You can find her teaching schedule on her facebook page: Tara Joy Kundalini Yoga and Electro Dance Yoga at Bliss and White Space Wellness. 

So Why Kundalini Yoga Anyway?

Kundalini is another word for consciousness. It is present in everything we do. It is always available to us and in essence it is our connection to Source. It is an energy called by many names depending on who you ask. For most of us this energy is flowing and accessible while we are young children. At this point we feel our “oneness”. Our actions do not come from the mind but an instinctual wisdom. It is only when we have a strong experience of being separate that we begin to lose our sense of inner peace and guidance. When we see ourselves as small the tendency is to look outside to compensate for what we have “lost”. Without our inner security we go to the mind and try to “figure” out who we are. In actuality we are unlimited spiritual beings who have come to Earth to experience the human form. One could say our purpose is to discover our own unique way of expressing our divinity.

Using breathing techniques, physical asanas and meditations we begin to re-connect to our inner unlimited potential. The energy is said to move up the spine like two snakes or strands of dna. It rises up through our “chakras” or energy centers, which represent different aspects of our being. With regular practice individuals feel more relaxed, focused and able to live from their heart. The heart is our bridge from the “lower triangle” of the first three humanly chakras (root, creative/sexual center and solar plexus) to the upper triangle of the Spirit (throat, third eye, and crown).  

Yogi Bhajan is given the credit of “bringing” Kundalini Yoga to the West in the late sixties. During this pivotal time Yogi Ji, (as he was affectionately called) gave seekers an opportunity to experience a heightened state of awareness without drugs. He taught his students to become teachers themselves and to pass on this “technology” of connecting to Spirit on a daily basis. The teachings of this ancient practice began to spread first by word of mouth and eventually as an organization called 3HO (healthy, happy, and holy). Currently Kundalini Yoga as taught by Yogi Bhajan is practiced all over the world.      

My experience with this path began when I was in my late teens. I remember my father teaching in the sun warmed third floor of him home only a couple of blocks from where he grew up in Vancouver, BC. Each year I would travel from Boulder, Colorado to visit him for a month long vacation experiencing the beautiful North West culture. With rituals of music festivals, swimming in the ocean, and learning how to clean my body and mind I found new ways to live a balanced life.

As I practiced breathing, stretching, and the movement that connected the two, I noticed a tingling throughout my body ending at the tip of the nose. During this first class I felt strong, complete and fully free from stress and the monkey mind. After the session I picked my father’s brain for all the poses he knew and carefully drew a diagram. I named each pose imaginatively like “jackhammer” and “washing machine”. When I returned home to Boulder I gathered my friends in my living room and lead my first Kundalini Yoga class. I was ecstatic to share what I had learned and even taught my Grandmother how to meditate.

It wasn’t until I finished my college degree in education that I returned to live in Vancouver. It was a particularly stressful time for me as a first year teacher in an alternative school. I was suffering from a month long case of walking pneumonia and out of desperation decided to check out the local Kundalini Yoga Studio. Within minutes of entering Yoga West, I felt at home with the soft lit reception area and the sweet smells of steamy chai. I spoke to one of the recent graduates of teacher training who would later become one of my many mentors and inspirations. After hearing my struggles she suggested that I return at 4:00 am the next day for the yogic practice called Sadhana. At the time I was oblivious to what I was getting myself into. This would become the first of many early mornings that would bathe me in peaceful energy of the “ambrosial hour”. By breathing, chanting and learning how to connect to my unspeakable guidance each day I grew stronger and stronger. After two months of joining the community for their daily practice my pneumonia was healed and I was hooked. I knew I had found a tool that would serve me for a very long time. I signed up for my teacher training and graduated in 2005. From that point on I shifted my focus of teaching math and reading to the lessons of how to connect within. I felt this was the most important thing I could share with others.

Nine years later I am living and working in the spiritual center and retreat house of Bahay Kalipay. Many things have changed since I taught my friends in my living room. I have taught hundreds of people from all over the world. The one thing that remains is my commitment to opening up to the energy that is so much bigger than any one person. More and more I am learning to get out of the way and allow the teachings to flow through me.

One of the most beautiful aspects of Bahay Kalipay is the respect and honoring of the many ways back to the Self. There is such a diverse group coming from different practices and approaches. Here we have the opportunity to share the very best gems of what we have learned with each other. Kundalini Yoga is only one of these gems. Most of my students start as beginners and by day six or seven of their program they tell me that they are excited to continue their practice when they return home. I am honored to be a part of their journey back into the depths of themselves.

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Trusting the Tree of Life

Aug. 18, 2013

Climbing a coconut tree is not something I expected to do this lifetime.  Harvesting and eating coconuts from that tree is even farther of a stretch but today I did just that.  I am a mountain girl.  The jungle and coconuts are new territory.  Climbing trees is something that I have loved since I was a child but a coconut tree is very different than an oak.  For one thing when you climb a coconut tree you really do hug and hold it like you love it.  It is less about branches and more about trunk.  Before I go up I touch the tree and ask for permission.  Trees will communicate with us if we take the time to listen.  Before I chicken out I ask for support and thank it.  I pray the whole way and do my best not to notice how high it is.

I am writing this like I have done this a gizzillion times.  Today was maybe my eighth time.  Today is Sunday which means no workers on the 7 ½ hectares of food forest I am living on.  This past week was a five day retreat with the other members of Maia Eco-Village.  With full days of gardening, painting, discussion, food prep. and 12 hrs of living as a family it isn’t surprising that we forgot to ask the workers to replenish our coconut stash.  So instead of asking one of the workers who lives in our neighboring village to come on their only day off I decided to check out the shortest coconut tree we have.  I had noticed that it was looking full recently and I thought why not give it a shot.

My trusty companion is a new long-term guest to Maia.  He is a very proper English gentleman who I have only known for a couple of weeks.  He has been a very exciting person for me here in Maia because he fits our community puzzle with his extensive knowledge of Waldorf education.  With his addition to the family there is talk about our own “Indigo School” that we know is on the way.  His arrival and enthusiasm is another confirmation of what is to come.

So our Englishman educator is wearing a buttoned up collar shirt and slacks.  He wears this outfit even when he is gardening in the sun!  He joined me in the hike up to our “short and easy” coconut with a rope and bolo (machete).  He acknowledged that he was terrified.  The first tree which is small ended up being more challenging because there are not foot notches cut into the trunk.  I decided not to give up and move to the much higher tree just across the way.  As I suggested it my partner looked very un-easy.  He said “I can’t do much to stop you, now can I?”  He kept mostly quiet as I slowly stepped up the notch latter of the trunk.

I had been in his shoes for the last month watching my mentor, another guest, perfect the art of climbing from down below.  The funny thing is the person below holding the other end of the rope is just as scared (maybe more) because they see the hard work of avoiding the ants, bees, and snakes.  Not to mention the strength it takes to push yourself to the top of the tree once you arrive there.  The assistant will always remember when they eat the sweet water and flesh of a coconut what it took to bring it to your spoon! 

My mentor probably would be ecstatic to see the eight coconuts that came down with me today.  My technique is still my own considering I haven’t mastered the getting on the top of the palm branches yet.  No matter I held on to the trunk and hacked away at the bushel after I tied my rope to it.  It wasn’t the most graceful harvest, as my side kick could see but in the end it was the sway of the tree, the adrenaline pumping and the knowing that I can do it not just for me but for everyone that I will always remember.  Like I said I never thought I would harvest coconuts this life time… but life is full of surprises and if I can do it… you can do it! 

Live to Give Video Contest

Live to Give Video Contest

Welcome Home to Maia Earth Village

..Simplicity…

Thank you, for this experience of being human.  I pray to be honest, authentic, loving, and live in service.  I let go of expectation.  I bow my head.  I ask to reach those who are ready, so that we can honor this planet and its most magical gifts.

Last night I awoke to the landscape of Maia.  The fireflies twinkled like fairies.  The bats swooshed by my head and the space around me pulsated with life.  I was awake for quite some time, listening, praying and walking the land in the dark.  My cell phone flashlight died, so it was pitch dark.  I allowed my fear to surface and slowly disappear. I surrendered fully.  If a scorpion gets me, then so be it!

I love this place.  She isn’t perfect.  There is so much to be done, fixed, and loved and yet I know there are others on their way to honor her.  This land speaks so clearly to everyone who slows down long enough to listen.  I think it might be the first time I have stopped and really deeply listened to one specific piece of land and felt her like a real being.  I love her.  I want to honor the healing she has already given and continues to do so effortlessly.

Thank you mother.  Thank you Earth.  I know we forget how to listen.  We get so distracted by the flashy lights, the hamburgers, and the fancy things.  I am not immune.  I hope that by watching this video you take a moment to ask yourself honestly how you can simplify… in a deeper way.  Thinking and talking about change are good… and ACTIONS are also crucial.

As many of you know I have been on an exciting journey since August last year.  I sold and gave away my belongings, flew to Asia, and honored a calling to find an intentional community that honors the divine Earth we inhabit.  The road has been far from straight.  I have learned so much and know that this is just the beginning!

On Monday I entered a video contest called “Live to Give” by 3HO the Kundalini Yoga community.  The contest is a brilliant way to show the world how we are providing service.  I gave myself a crash course in iMovie and went full force ahead.

It shows a glimpse of what I am experiencing here as space holder for Maia-Earth Village and Bahay Kalipay-Raw food Retreat home. www.bahaykalipay.com

Playing Games

If we are chosen I will be flown to New Mexico this June to share my video with over 1,000 yogis at peace prayer day. We will be given a grant of $2,000

The money will:
1. Support the local children near the eco-village and their parents by paying their educational fees for one year
2. Begin a Summer Enrichment program that would empower the children to use their resources wisely and create environmental friendly art products that can be sold at the Sinag Earth store at the retreat center in the city.
3. Purchase more yoga mats for the quickly growing yoga class.

I would be honored if you took the time to watch it.  It is through facebook. 

https://www.facebook.com/3HOFoundation/app_549995205041213

https://www.facebook.com/3HOFoundation/app_549995205041213

 

Scroll down to my name Tara Mackeigan and watch the video.

If it touches you, I ask that you vote today and once a day until May 4th.  If you are called you can share with your friends as well.  I am so grateful for all the support.  Thank you, thank you, and thank you.  We open to what is and know that it is all perfect… even when it isn’t.   I love you.  Sat Nam.  Truth is our existence.

Sha-Woman by Another Name

Micca, the beautiful, intuitive and wise niece of Janet…

Before I came to the Philippines I had never heard of the term Babaylan.  It fascinates me that there are Shamans all over the world by different names.

“Babaylan in Filipino indigenous tradition is a person who is gifted to heal the spirit and the body; a woman who serves the community through her role as a folk therapist, wisdom-keeper and philosopher; a woman who provides stability to the community’s social structure; a woman who can access the spirit realm and other states of consciousness and traffic easily in and out of these worlds; a woman who has vast knowledge of healing therapies”.

—Leny Strobel

Janet… stunning as always

Janet Dolera a new, “like three years old” (in her words) Babaylan, is a member of our extended community at Bahay Kalipay Retreat House.  We often send our guests to see her if they would like to meet a traditional healer.  Recently more and more members of our community have been called to see and experience Janet’s ceremonies, readings, and rituals.  It seems to me that she is holding a large space for our community.  As we deepen together we call on our elders to support us.

These are shots from the “Earth Wisdom Circle” we had at Maia Earth Village a couple of months back.

Maia is the intentional eco-village in Palawan, that I have been connected to since I came to the Philippines in November.  This event connected two powerful leaders from two of my homes-Canada and Philippines.  Although from completely different backgrounds both spoke to the common thread of power through sacred intention.  They spoke of the importance of honoring the divine in nature, food, and land.  I had no idea that the ancient ways of Pinoy culture had such a deep connection to nature.  It seems that as a race we are returning to the wisdom we have always known.  All over the world we are remembering where we came from and honoring the life that surrounds us always.

Karie Garnier Passionate speaks of “Water Cure” Therapy

Karie speaks in the kitchen of Maia with re-used plastic bottles for light above.

Karie Garnier has a background with the Native Indians in Canada.  His story of curing numerous aliments through just drinking water was inspirational.  Every word he shared about his personal healing story seemed so logical and obvious and but amazingly most of what he shared was new news to me.  He explained simple techniques of healing with water.  He explained how to charge your water with prayer and sunlight,  the benefits of adding high quality sea salt for mineral depletion in your water and how drinking LOTS and LOTS of pure natural H2O from a local spring if possible helped him cure and heal his kidneys and pain in his joints.  I have tried to do his healing regiment of drinking 3 ltrs of water in the first 30 minutes of waking.  This is the protocol for people who have a severe disease and maybe too strong for me.  I felt for bloated!!  But it was interested how quickly I flushed my system out.  I look forward to continuing to learn and practice these methods over an extended period of time.

It was magical to spend a day with people from all over the world, gathered on sacred land, and listening to our elders.  The words that stuck me the most is that, “we still have lots of work to do and that is precisely why we have come”.  As Janet spoke about this responsibility she had tears in her eyes.  I don’t think it was because she felt hopeless but instead I think she saw the beauty of the moment of who we ALL WERE ALREADY BEING.

We were a large international group listening in the open air, green (heart chakra) structure in Maia Earth Village

Thanksgiving in March

Today is two days after my birthday.  I am now 32.  I am living a life that I never could of seen coming, yet it is meeting so many of my dreams.  A very strange paradox indeed.  I wrote this piece below on Thanksgiving Day.  I am not sure why I didn’t post it then…. hmmm  completion… working on that one.  But it is perfect and timely to post it now because it feels full circle to see what seeds I planted then.  One of my birthday presents is the news that I will be teaching 35 Palawan State faculty members yoga for the next three months.  I would say that this is evidence of the Universe listening to my desire to grow roots here.

It is 4 am.  I am sleeping in a tree house open to all the sounds of the jungle.  The roosters haven’t begun their calls but they will announce a new day very soon. 

Mi Mi the kitty is curled up on my bed.  I think it is Thanksgiving.  Lately it always seems to be thanksgiving.  Tomorrow I won’t be eating turkey, cranberries or gravy.  I will have three square meals of coconut.  My body is changing.  My mind is changing.  I am dying and being birthed all at the same time.  I am not in Baliwood.  I am not having an Eat, Pray, Love experience in the scene of who is who.  My path lead me down a different road.  I am in a place that most of my community has never heard of.  It is possible that I won’t see many of you for a long time.  I am still learning about becoming an adult.  Selfless service… Self-filled service.  I have been given my life back here and in return I will give my life to this place, these people, this possibility and reality of living as a whole being.  I will continue to stretch what I know as possible.  Day 17 on 90% of coconuts.  I will continue to document this experience.  I will continue to vision and dream and finally know that I am not the only one.  I have found my home of dreamers.  I have found a place I can grow some roots.  I have found my place that I can stretch my branches.  I don’t want to admit it because it means parts of me will disappear.  I am broken hearted to think of loosing what has been.  Except there is only now and here… and that is even questionable.  I believe that it is safe to trust this process.  I believe that all my loved ones will be a part of me here in some way.  I believe that you already know how much I love you.  I believe that you will understand that for me to fully stand in my Woman it needed to be a place where I could fully let go of my story.  It needed to be where no one knew me.  It is here.  I hope someday you will understand.  All of you.  I love you so much.  All your faces come flashing through as I sit here in the jungle at 4 am realizing that we come here alone we leave alone and we get to feel so much in between.  I love you.  I love you.  Please God allow this love to reach all stretches of the globe.  Allow me to share it so strongly that I can be anywhere on the planet.  Please God allow me to feel this love that is always present no matter where I am.

I let go of controlling it.  I jump into the beautiful blue rose sky and know that these wings only get stronger and stronger each time I jump.  Thank you life.  Thank you for all of it.  I am so grateful.  I have lived so much in 31 years.  I have seen so much beauty.  I continue to see it and finally I can sit back and let it feed me.  I am so fed, so nourished, so happy, so loved, so thankful.  My bumpy bed outside is calling back to rest.  Happy Thanksgiving America, Canada, Singapore, Bali, Australia, Switzerland, Germany, Japan, and all the over the world where so many beautiful people live.  I believe in us.  I know we are evolving.  I continue to face myself and hold space for others to do the same.  I know if I am doing this now so many of us must be in the same process.  We are healing.  We are remembering.  I am so proud of us.  This story isn’t over, it is just shifting.

Ego Death, What is it and why is it so f*#@ing hard?

Ego death… what is it, and why is it so fucKing hard?  Yes I just swore.  I am not usually the swearing type but at this point it is essential.  After 4 months in Palawan I am asking these questions everyday:  What is going on?  Why is this so hard?  Everyday I wake up with food on the mind.  Everyday I want bread.  Everyday I want coffee.  Everyday I want something sweet…  Everyday I take seconds, thirds of beautifully prepared raw food beyond any hunger that I am having.  I am thinking I want to stop and 80% of the time I can’t.  My feet are moving me to more food and I CAN’T STOP.  I will be thinking I am so tired of eating… this cycle of self hate, all of it…. but my feet are walking to the next food fix… 

 

So this is the crazy part.  All of this… is a god sign… hahah I meant to type good but GOD came out… OFCOUSE.  So some of you may think I have hit the looney bin here but I actually don’t really give a fuck.. heheh… I am opening the flood gates now… Could I really post this and link it to BAHAY KALIPAY?  So ya.. just like that.  That is EGO> 

 

This is me being afraid of what others think.  This is it exactly… I want to please my boss, co-workers, and friends because if they don’t love me then I won’t survive…This is EGO telling me I am small…. This is little baby Tara who really thought that if she didn’t please her parents/uncle/grandmother/teachers/ friends… EVERYONE… that she would literally die. 

 

FEAR says, “you have to give something to get anything. You have to work hard to receive love.  You are not good enough just as you are to be loved just for you.  You don’t have enough of everything.  You have to find food because if you don’t you might starve.  Where is this shit coming from?  GOD only knows.  My wise one knows it doesn’t matter where it came from because it isn’t true… We are LOVE.  There is more than enough for everyone just as we are now.  We are not alone.  We are free.  We are remembering who we are and first the ego must die.      

 

So the good news is that the more I am freaking out with food here… the more I know my ego is being confronted and being asked to die.  It is getting so loud it is almost funny.  So what if the Kundalini Yoga teacher at the raw food retreat center is caught at MacDonalds munching down on a cheese burger?  What then? 

 

Well all I can say is that I am not afraid to write this because I know it isn’t really me.  I know this crazy part that wants to eat everything in site… is a STAGE… this too shall pass.  I believe in GOD.  I know that this will birth clarity.  I know that this will shift.  I am doing my best daily… no matter what it looks like.  I am still here.  I am still listening.  Even when I am feeling so disconnected I am perfect.    

 

Today Juanita said:  Once awareness is held long enough in any color it shifts into INDIGO.  She is speaking of the chakras.  For example if I am in the root chakra RED and watching my feelings of not being/having enough come up over and over again but can see that it isn’t real it is formless in illusion, until I see it my ego will have no choice but to die and the energy will move to the all knowing INDIGO.  If awareness is brought to this crazy behavior/thoughts the Ego can’t keep you small.  The tricks won’t work any longer.  So eventually this feeling like I need to stuff, and fill the empty part of me will go.  I will without a doubt know that I am whole and that God fills me from the inside out not vice versa.  I am in the process of feeling full, whole, loved, strong, clear and happy now.  I am speaking this truth because I know I am not alone.  I know that by sharing I am bringing more awareness and the ego will have no choice. 

 

And this is why I will become a teacher at the Indigo school.  And this is also why I am already in the teacher training for the Indigo School.  It started November 4^th , when I decided to come to the Philippines and it has been in progress for the past 4 months.  Everything I have gone through here has been a part of my training.  I am now in the part called a “very painful stage”.  My belly is bloated and full… and I know, I know, I know with every cell that this is perfect.  If I am really honest I have been in “teacher training” since the day I was born… and in the lives before that.  We are here today to die… let the ego die.  God I choose you.  I choose you.  I choose you.

 

So Indigo school… I won’t be able to explain it in one shot but in essence it is one of the main reasons I am here on the planet.  Juanita says: “You were already what your parents were becoming.  Yet they didn’t always see that. When we are not seen by our parents we stop seeing who we are. We see ourselves through the eyes of their Ego.  We become their ego. We are already in perfection. We come to share that with those who have forgotten.  You did come here for the Indigo School.  You came here too teach HOW to learn our true nature and to teach others to teach it.”  So in a nutshell I get it.  I get why I am here and why I started on this learning how to learn path oh so long ago.  Wondertree and SelfDesign started the process and now my meeting Juanita and our work with the Indigo school will complete it.  This is big.  I can’t really explain it… I just know.      

Home Sweet Home

I have a food story.  Food has killed me so many times.  I have been a slave in mind to the awareness of what I am eating, how I am eating it and when I am eating it for almost my entire life.

I believe I have been telling this story since I was a baby.  I associated warm SWEET breast milk as safety, love, peace, and rest.  When my parents were fighting to the point that my ears ached I could find solace in the sweetness.  I connected this sweetness to God.  I was whole when I was with this nectar.  I was one.  As I grew and my surroundings continued to be stressful I found my peace and safety in sucking my thumb.   But when it came time to go to Kindergarten my mother begged me to stop and even said she would buy us a color T.V.  All I had to do was quit this embarrassing coping mechanism.  I wanted the T.V. so I stopped, but finding that safety in a world that was far from secure was still needed.

I don’t remember when I started to overeat but the stories go that even as a two year old I ate more at thanksgiving dinner than my petite mother and auntie put together.  I was a growing girl and didn’t see myself as having any problems with food until one day when my Grandmother said “Stop eating those raisins before dinner, you don’t want to get fat do you?”  With those few words and her implied thought process I was suddenly aware that I shouldn’t be doing what I was doing.  My mind made a new pathway and the story said, “If you eat too much you might get fat and that would be a very bad thing.”  So the yearning to fill a hole with sweetness was now associated with a fear of getting fat.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I still wanted to control something because the life around me seemed to be getting less and less safe, but now I knew if others saw me they may think that I was bad.  So I made the only logical way to keep myself safe and not feel the judgment of others… I chose to eat when no one was looking.  I became a sneaky eater.  I would sneak the sweet things that I hoped would make me feel whole again.  Part of it was fun.  The adrenaline hit me and I felt fully alive, but no matter how much I was able to get away with I still didn’t feel full and then I started to feel guilty.

So as you can see this story runs deep and could go on for pages and pages of self-abuse.

It is only now that I see it as what it is.  It is a story, an illusion that is one of the biggest gifts of my life.  It is only now that I am beginning to see all my biggest challenges as my most beautiful awakenings.

Thank you food.  Thank you mother for all that you gave.  Thank you Gram for being you.  Thank you father for soooo much food wisdom.  Thank you Terri for being you.  Thank you Jen for wanting separate food!  Thank you life for teaching me so much through three meals a day and all the drama in between.

Today is just another day in my story and yet there is sweetness.  There is a divine nectar that wells up in my chest and fills me to the brim.  It comes from within.  It is love.  It is me.  It is you.  It has always been here.  Thank you God, thank you so much for all of it.